Whispers of the Fairies, Emotions and the Four Winds

I watched Eat Pray Love today....I must say it wasn't as bad as I thought. When it came out I really didnt think I'd like to see it...but after streaming it on Netflix, I'm glad I did! I was so inspired by Julia Roberts' character that I log on and started writing.

I'm not inspired to travel, which is what the movie is about. Because God knows I can't afford to travel like she did. I was inspired to follow what I want to do, to take chances no matter what. To do what I want to do and not care about what other people think of what I'm doing. Saying and doing are two different things...if anyone knows how hard it is to follow through with certain things, it's me. I plan on things, something happens, people talk me out of it, someone gets hurt or I am just scared. And I do not go through with what I started.

I'm not proud of this. In no way do I mean to start and never finish, or to hurt people. I was raised to reach for the stars, to do what I want to do as long as it's not horrible....like illegal, ha! But when I need that support, that pep talk, advice, what have you....it's sometimes not there. Or it is, but it's not what I wanted to hear or was expecting. I need to change that, I need to do things that I want to do and not ask someone if they agree or think it's the right thing.

I am going to live with regret...I can feel it. There's so much that I wanted and want to do that I'm not going to get to do. I am too worried about people and their feelings. I hate hurting someone, I may not show it sometimes, but behind closed doors, I'm crying because of it. I let my feelings get the best of me and hold me back. I let people dictate my life and tell me what I should and shouldn't do. And by letting this happen is everything I was raised not to do. My mother raised me to be independent...and in many ways I am, but in some ways I'm not.

I have a current dilemma I'm trying to deal wth. A big part of me is saying, "Go for it! You'll regret it if you don't!" and the other part, that seems to have more power over me is saying, "What about what you have? What about everyone and thing you know?' I hate it. I wish I was stronger and just did things without thinking about what could go wrong. I hate feeling scared all the time.

If I could make a list of the things I want to do before I die and then a list of the reasons why I shouldn't or can't do them...the list of why would be so much longer. I take everything into account even if it's not an issue right now, but could be. The biggest problem is, it's very hard for me to leave people. Why do you think I still live in Kansas and I didn't go to Darmouth to study English and Literature? My family and friends are here. Not in New Hampshire. I missd that experience, going away to college and being on my own for a while. I admire the people that had the courage to do so. Hate to say, but I'm also a little jealous...and I feel regret.

George Carlin said, "Life is not that hard. You wake up, you go to work, you come home, shit and go to sleep." If only it were that easy. People and things have such an impact on our lives...some more than others, and some people let everything affect them more than others. I would be one if those people that holds on to everything. That feels everything more intensely than others. I know this is a problem, anyone know how to cure it? I'm starting to believe there isn't one, and this is just who I am.

Back to being insipired. I do not write anymore. I used to write almost everyday I had a second to spare. It would keep my creative juices flowing and up to speed. I haven't in 5 years...trying to understand why, what the change was to make it this way. Since it's been 5 years, it makes me think that it has something to do with Chris coming into my life. I'm not blaming him, he isn't keeping me from picking up a pen and writing...I just don't do it anymore. It was once my one and only passion, so it's very sad that I haven't done it in so long.

The movie insipired me to start again and really take into account the things I want to do and start working towards them. In the movie she did everything she wanted even though she was scared. It was hard, but she did it. Leaving her husband, traveling all over the world and meeting new people. I want to be carefree. I never have been, not even as a child. I'm always scared.

I will try and write each day, to create something and to add to my list.

To Do

Take a vacation every year and see the new place each time.
Write a book and then try to publish it
Be financially secure
Always pay myself first when getting my paycheck
Finish my Bachelor's Degree
See England
Go some place tropical
Taking time to pray everyday
.....more to come.

Thank the lord! I always find it such a hassle to go from house to house to house...when it would be much easier to just all meet at ONE house. Yeah and that's never going to happen unless I suddenly become single and never marry! Believe me I'm not saying it's the end of the world to have to travel sooo much to different places for this day...but it would be so much easier! I love seeing everyone...I have a great time, and by the end of the day I want to crash, but I'm happy. Good day...hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

Another note: I want to write again! I used to write ALL THE TIME when I was in high school and even in college! But ever since 2005 I just stopped. I'm not sure why really...changing jobs, changing boyfriends, losing friends, making new ones, family stuff...don't know. I was once called a "great writer" among my teachers and friends...and I let it slip away. I don't think I've lost my talent, but it needs to be awaken again and I can't seem to do it. Yes I am writing now but I'm talking about writing stories, poems and novels again.

I remember an incident where all my work was ruined in a basement flood in 2005 or 2006. I remember going down to clean the water up and finding the binder that I kept everything in. Everything! Everything from school works that involved practicing my craft, work I had wrote just because I loved to do it...work that I was going to send to Dartmouth someday...(never happened). All was destroyed and I didn't even know the binder was down there, I thought it had been in the upstairs closet the whole time.

I cried, a lot! My then boyfriend couldn't understand why I was so upset...which confused me to no end. Crying didn't make me feel better, but it help get some pent up emotions out, but wouldn't bring back my work. Over the years I've gotten over it, obviously. I wish I would have saved all of it on a computer or something...I can remember some of the work, but not enough of it to rewrite all of it.

I want to just write for the hell of it again! To produce great reads in one afternoon! To send it in to magazines, contests and win again! God! Wake my passion up! I remember writing my best stuff when I was given a topic to write about...I tried a group on LJ that helps Writer's Block...but the host of the group never posted anything good....

I want to write! I just need help!

So I went to church today, wasnt happy about getting up early when it should be a day where I can sleep in. But I made myself get up, get ready, made coffee and walked out the door, it was raining so that made me feel better, I love the rain!

Today was the new pastor's first day, the old one retired, so now we have a women, Lucinda. When she first stood up and started to talk and introduce herself I wasnt sure if I would like her as much as the last one. I loved Pastor Wayne! He was so hyper and passionate when he spoke and, just a nice guy. But as she spoke and told a story about her older brother being baptized and that he had mental retardation, she was so emotional and passionate about this story that she started crying when she told us all that some women in church when she and her brother were getting baptized as children, said "Oh why bring that boy here to be baptized? He will never know it, or know grace or God?" When she said that, I was thinking that that would make me cry too!How dare a person say that! Of course a person with his condition would know God and grace! That was just absurd!

She went on with her story and her brother grew up to be a leader in a group home and helped people with the same problems, and died at a young age. It was all so very sad, and I actually felt the need to cry like Lucinda was, because my brother died very young too...but I didn't. After her story she said she was going to teach us how to pray and everything she planned on doing at our church, she also told us the story of how Jesus healed the sick, which I've heard the story before, but never remembered being so interested in it.

I can remember going to church as a child and being moved by the stories and wanting to learn more, but as I got older, I just felt like church was boring. I always had faith and believed in God, but wasn't into it, if that makes sense. Now after today's service I want to join a study group and take a college class about the Bible as literature. I dont know if this is God's way of calling to me to be more active in church or what, but I want to learn more!

Another subject-I was awarded $3500 for two semesters at JCCC! I found out last night when I checked my status on their site! I'm so happy!! I was getting all nervous that I would have to pay for all of it out of pocket...a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm only 33 credits aways from completing my BA, so I'm going to take the classes I can at JCCC to be transferred, and then finish anything I can't do there at Park or Northwestern I think....not sure which one I want to transfer to yet.

I'm studying in Literature, I absolutely love it! I researched my major and there are tons of jobs I can get with a BA in Lit. I want so badly to be a Book Editor! I would love it! I would get to read and have time to write my own book! So everything is on track, I have to take and pass a college algebra class.....I suck at math! That has always been the one subject that I have so much trouble with!!! So Chris is going to help me, he's like super kid when it comes to math.

So I've been thinking about going back to school. It sounds great to me, but my employer will only pay for school if the classes or degree I study for is related to my job I have now. And if any of you know me I want to do something in the publishing or literary industry...but sadly I live in Kansas and finding those types of jobs is pretty impossible! So I either pay out of pocket to finish my degree, or settle and take some sort of business/computer classes and get a degree in Applied Science or something....hell!

So what do I do?? I would love to be a Book Editor! They make good money and I'd get paid to read and edit books! I would also love to write a novel and sell it...but sadly since my first year of college I can't seem to find my creative juices I once had. I can't choose a story or come up with one. If you guys have any ideas for a book please let me know...I did my best work when my teachers gave me an idea and then told me to write about it for homework.

I've looked at single classes I could take to help gain my creative side back...and classes that will help me with editing. $85 for each class....I can't decide if that's a good or a bad price for one class? I'd love to take them though, it would make me feel like I'm doing something instead of working ALL THE TIME and then coming home and sitting on my ass. It would also help me write my novel. I think I'll enroll in those classes in June and keep updating here about what's going on....

I would really appreciate those story ideas though...I'm very upset/depressed that I dont have the same creative mindset as I did in school. Thanks guys!

- whats your name?:
Rae Lynne, Rae Rae, Rae, Rae-pooh....pick one

- are you out?:
nope, never actually played with a girl, but always wanted to. my sister doesnt even know that, and i tell her a lot of things. im bi-curious.

- how many years have you graced earth?:
twenty four, tomorrow

- where ya from?:
st. johns, michigan! but lived in ks for 14 years

- would you date long distance?:
nope, tried it once...doesnt work

- do you smoke? do you mind smokers?:
hell no! do i mind them? my bf smokes all the time....yes it bothers me because im allergic...but i deal i guess

- do you drink? do you mind drinkers?:
nope...well i have one drink every 10 months, that tell you anything? i do mind ppl that drink all the time, no names are mentioned. social drinkers dont bother me.

- do you do drugs? what about girls that do?
again hell no! i mind very very much! i dont want that in my life ever!

- how tall are you?
5'5

- what kinds of music do you like?
rock, pop, alternative....um lots

- do you consider yourself butch/femme/andy/labeless?:
i'm a girly girl....well not like barbie pink wearing or anything....but i am a girl.

- tell me 4 things, you are looking for in a future partner:
1. hm...smart, not just book smart either.
2. is able to talk to me about something they dont like, without getting hyper because im asking or talking about something they dont want to talk about
3. very touchy feely
4.wants to spend time with me...friends arent more important

- tell me 4 things you AREN'T looking for in a future partner:
ha that could take a while.

- What is your current relationship status?
taken-have bf

- And of course the cheesy one, what would be a perfect date for you? -
i dont know...i always wanted to go to a bookstore for the first date. we'd both pick out a book, talk about our fav things, and just get to know each while searching through literature. maybe after get dinner. yeah im not hard to please

- Only one left! How can you be reached?
here....myspace....yahoo mail- raelynnethearg@yahoo.com. but if you email me your subject line better be interesting or i might delete the email.

Recently I've been trying to be a better person, better my life, things like that. Not that I am a bad person to begin with, at least I don't think so, just maintenance  on myself. I started by not drinking pop at all, which is a big deal for me because I LOVE POP! I remember back in 2002 when my dentist told me my teeth are soft, so it is a very good idea to stop drinking pop, because the acid in it will just make them worse and they are more likely to break and chip. And guess what? I actually stopped for a whole year and some change!! And within the first three months I had lost 20 pounds by not drinking pop alone!!! I thought that was great, I was buying new clothes, feeling more confident, it was wonderful. Then somewhere I caved and started drinking it again and then along with getting my first desk job, gained the whole 20 pounds back plus another 20!!! So here I am six years later still drinking pop and still have the 40 pounds gained on my body...very depressing.

So, I gave up pop almost two weeks ago and I feel fine. Sometimes it's hard not to take a drink from the boyfriend's pop, or getting it at the movies, but so far I'm doing well. Also I've lost 5 pounds in the two weeks!! Go me!!! So no more pop or maybe one every two weeks, after I lose 10 pounds from not drinking pop. I'll keep ya posted!

The next thing to work on, or maintenance rather, I want to start working out again. When I lost the weight from no pop drinking years back, I did workout and lost even more weight. And because I wasn't drinking pop and working out I could eat whatever Mom made and wouldn't gain a pound! I've been trying to pump myself up to workout when I get home from work....but thus far I haven't even done one sit up! When I come home from work I am so mentally drained it's not even funny. I just want to come home, eat dinner, and sit on my ass and relax. I even bought a fitness ball and dvd so I could start doing working out, and I haven't used them, they are in the boxes just sitting in the back of the closet. I am really going to try and do something active when I get home tomorrow...I don't care if I feel tired, I just want to lose the weight and be a healthy person again. I'll post again tomorrow about if I actually did it, or not, lol!!

Third thing, paying bills on time and not blowing my money just because it's there. For the past month I've been doing very well with the money issue. Although the phone bill is a little behind, everything else is up to par. The new bigger paychecks really help with the bills, before this new job I barely had money to buy groceries every week, so bills were behind ALL the time. So yay to the new job! Even though $2 more would help...I'll work on raises in the next few months...hehehe. As far as saving money...eh...not so much. I think because for years I couldn't afford to do anything but pay bills and then be completely broke, I go crazy when I pay all the bills and still have money left to do things. Hopefully this craze will ware off and I can put money back for other things. Here's praying. 

 

 honestly? id cry about it all day while spending time with friends and family

i really love writing, when i write i get things out that i probably wouldnt say out loud. instead of crying or yelling about something i can write about it and it makes me feel better. and i love chris, but hes being a butthole.
 

As you all know I got that job I've been ranting about! I've been there a little over a week and it's weird but I feel different than I did when I worked at Dillons. I'm going to try and explain it in this entry so humor me please.

Okay, I find myself walking taller, I'm happier, I laugh more, smile more and when I come home I don't want to lay down and die! I want to come home and make dinner, hangout and watch tv or whatever. I feel great!!! I have a different mind set, since I will be getting paid every two weeks now, instead of every week, something I will have to adjust to, I am trying to train myself to not spend my money in one day, which I've done in the past, mostly on bills but then a few other purchases were for shit I didn't need. So I'm trying to train my brain not to do this, ya know, say "you need this right now this cannot wait!!" I get paid on the 15th, so I will post again and you can see how I do....hopefully I pass the test.

I just feel wonderful, responsible, anything is possible and things will get better! Yay!! I'm so happy, let's just hope nothing comes along and fucks it up. Bye guys! 

Alright!!! I got that job I was talking about in one of my recent entries!! It is official, I am a full time employee at Clinical Reference Laboratory!!! I am an entry level Document Center Rep, and there are many levels and positions in the company so I can move up really fast!!

I am was so happy when the HR person Andrea called me tuesday and told me that my background check and drug test came back, so I can finally start the job!! It took almost a week for that crap to come back, I was starting to get worried....but of course I didn't think I wouldn't past both checks, I was just being me, worrying about everything!

So friday I go in for orientation from 8:30am-2:30pm where I will watch movies about my position and the company and they are going to feed me lunch, how cool is that? Then on monday I will actually start training for my position! It's a monday-friday job, although I was warned that once in a great while if the work load is big I might have to come in on saturdays for a few hours, which would be overtime, so that's ok with me! But I was told that doesn't happen often. But another good thing, there is always available overtime, if I feel that I want to stay an extra couple hours to catch up, that's fine. So I could be making alot of extra money each paycheck!

I'm so excited and nervous. I don't want to screw up, which I will at least once, but that's part of learning right? Wish me luck guys!!!